My playbook for anyone struggling with a “let me just do it myself” or “I need to be informed before you do anything” manager. If you are that manager, read on. This is for you too!
This is Mt. Spokane. It’s a place I go to reflect and find calm. Dealing with a lack of trust can be de-centering. At its core, it can be a “you’re not good enough” message. This can destabilize our confidence and make us think we aren’t doing good enough work, or like we need to do more, when that is simply not the case.
If you’re in over your head, make sure you visit your version of Mt. Spokane. Do a reality check to make sure the facts match the feeling. If I told you we had tools and protocols that could help restore trust, or at least get you through to the other side, would you want to know them? Great. Let’s get started.
Symptoms of a Low-Trust Boss
Trust in the workplace is like a cell phone signal: when it’s there, we can forget and not notice it, but when it’s gone, everything starts to buffer.
- They hover: They watch you work, scrub the details of your results, frequently check in on minor tasks, and want to be copied on every email “for awareness.”
- They redo your work: They rewrite your sections; they fail to provide constructive feedback. They change your slides without saying why, take over mid-project, or edit the scheduling before going home.
- They withhold ownership: You never fully own anything. Big decisions are reassigned or double-checked through them, and you are not allowed to represent the team externally.
- They double-check you publicly: They correct you in meetings unnecessarily or ask you to explain your work and decisions in front of colleagues or peers.
- They limit information flow: You are looped in late or not at all. Strategy conversations happen without you, and context is shared only when you ask. Hiring meetings for a team you’re on happen without you.
- They react to small mistakes: A low-trust manager interprets small mistakes as a character deficiency, often missing the opportunity to use them as a path toward improvement. They often have an emotional reaction if something goes differently than they expect, even if the outcome is fine.
- They avoid risking your reputation: This one is more subtle and may show up as them saying things like, “I’ll present this,” or “I’ll handle this meeting and client.” While good leaders should take things off their teams’ plates to free them up, if they flag for any of the above, it can be a sign they don’t feel safe with you putting your name on things yet.
Let’s Empathize With Them
If you want to change the situation, you need to understand where they are coming from and what’s going on in their head. Ideally, the world is full of leaders who are strong enough with EQ to know what’s going on and work on it for themselves. Alas! The world ain’t perfect.
You can always do three things: nothing, leave, or try to make things better. I’m going to write for number three. If it fails, you can always try again or go to Plan #1 or #2.
- Control Anxiety: They are new, just getting new responsibilities, and are afraid of messing up or looking bad.
- Identity Attachment: They were promoted for being the best “doer,” and they haven’t shifted their mindset to being a leader. (White 2010)
- Trust Gap: Simply put, they are reserving trust! They aren’t extending a hand to be proven right.
- Perfection Addiction: Their way equals safety. They’ve been successful so far, and someone else’s way is a dangerous risk that is mitigated by their application of perfectionism.
If you are this manager or an employee of this manager, check out my reading list. We have all been in the position of caring about something so much we can’t let go. We grew up with the blue-collar saying, “If you want it done right, do it yourself.” Which is horseshit, by the way. The saying should be, “If you want it done right, you can do it yourself and then you’re stuck doing it forever!” A better option is to train your team to do it well themselves by giving them the time, resources, and autonomy they need to be great without you. Research shows that employees in high-trust organizations report 74% less stress and 50% higher productivity than those in low-trust environments. (Zak 2017) I can’t deprogram years of post-Cold War independence anxiety in one blog post, but we can start here.
How Do We Grow and Build Trust?
I’m going to assume you are an awesome employee who does great work and is worthy of the opportunity to kick ass, make some mistakes, and grow as a human. Trust takes time to build, and you’re working with someone who doesn’t have trust-building figured out yet. Change the paradigm of your interaction in order to get a different relationship trajectory.
1. Build a relationship with the manager.
You will not get anywhere if you can’t approach this person when you need to and have a direct and honest conversation. This is Ted Lasso’s “Biscuits with the Boss.” Bringing in food and snacks is magic. Carb magic is just as real because it’s basic Pavlovian reward science. Use it wisely. This is making specific compliments that catch the other person off guard and truly caring about the person.
2. Change how you phrase certain things.
Instead of “don’t worry, I’ll handle it,” get specific and bake in some swim-lanes and touch points. Perfectionists and worriers love swim-lanes and touch points. Try saying:
“I’ll draft a version and focus on these elements. I’ll send it over to you tomorrow for a high-level review and gut check.”
By defining lanes, you are buying yourself room to breathe and create, and they still get their “final look.”
3. Ask for ownership explicitly.
This does well when you’re working with one of those “well, I would have liked to be asked” folks. You’re acknowledging their authority while requesting space.
“Last time, my drafts were well received. I’d like to take this on. Would that be okay with you?”
4. Ask questions to probe their lack of trust.
Use soft, open questions to probe their lack of trust. If you notice them taking over, try to understand the “why” behind the behavior:
- “What would great look like to you?”
- “Are there examples you love?”
- “Is there a specific risk you’re trying to avoid?”
- “I’ve noticed you often step in and take over projects. I want to make sure I’m meeting your expectations. Is there something I could do differently so you’d feel comfortable with me owning more?”
5. Start a journal or a written record.
Document your wins, your projects, and your efforts. When low trust is in the air, it’s easy for leaders to make you feel the two lies that can destroy you: you aren’t good enough, and you don’t belong here.
A Story
In the past, I was coaching a dermatologist who joined a new clinic. The client has decades of experience working in different environments, and she knows what “good” looks like. A colleague, who is technically her team lead, had been undermining her authority in the clinic. Her way was the only “correct” way to do things, she reviewed every decision of the client, and she even stayed late to edit patient notes.
We went through these steps, the client practiced every day, and when progress was made, we reinforced it with positive feedback. Ultimately, this led to the client becoming the new team lead by continuing to demonstrate competence and a level head in the face of adverse personalities. These are the tools she used to manage the relationship and not succumb to the negativity low-trust imparts.
Cheers all,
Dan
Be a part of the solution: www.kestryledge.com
References
- White, Richard D., Jr. “Micromanagement: A Costly Management Style.” Public Personnel Management 39, no. 1 (2010): 71–84.
- Zak, Paul J. “The Neuroscience of Trust.” Harvard Business Review 95, no. 1 (2017): 84–90.