Emotional Intelligence Tool – Check the Facts

This Emotional Intelligence (EQ) tool provides a simple framework to check-in with reality and get centered.

If you use it, to an observer you will seem calmer, more in control, and less “in a tail-spin.”

Let’s start.

Setting The Scene – Regulating Your Internal Fire

You’re red hot. Angry. Your blood is boiling. Your hands are sweating, or maybe they are clenched. You feel a buzz in your head and like there is fire in your chest. What do we do to figure out if this anger is warranted? If it is not warranted, do we need to give ourselves a “chill pill,” such as taking a walk, drinking some water, or simply pausing?

Anger can be advantageous. Rage is likely how we stayed alive against predators thousands of years ago. If a saber-tooth tiger was after the family or your kid, you would harness this rage to protect them, stay alive, and protect the cave.

We are wired to fight, flee, or stay put. This applies to any emotion. I am using anger in this example because this is where the tool has helped me. The issue is that Deborah from accounting is not a saber-tooth tiger. Our lives are so good now that the biggest thing pissing us off is Deborah. (I am sending love to all my Debs out there.)

This is a tool that is going to seem super simple right now, and in the moment, it is going to save your hide. Ask yourself, “Do the Facts match the feelings?” If you have time, write it down. Write your response and map it all out. In the case of the saber-tooth salivating at getting to chop on Junior, rage is warranted. Rage on.

In the case of Deborah from accounting, we likely do not have all the facts. Maybe she is looking out for us. Maybe her emails are tone-deaf. Maybe we are in the wrong. Maybe she is in the wrong. Anger and frustration may be a natural reaction to this, and through the processing, we will peel back the layers to uncover the second or third-layer emotions. Asking the question, “Do the facts match the feelings?” does two things:

1. We slow down. We think. We go from our animal brain to a wiser brain. This is the brain that can make good decisions. That time is often all we need to regulate and get centered.
2. We figure out what the facts are. We make an uncountable amount of assumptions all the time. Often the facts we have are twisted in our brains. By facing the real facts, we take ourselves out of the situation and see it neutrally. You automatically assumed Deborah from accounting was probably behaving poorly. That is on you. Deborah is really nice. She is direct in her communications, and she brings in the best cookies ever while wearing festive T-shirts.

There’s a Buddhist proverb (The Observer or The Silent Witness) on observing situations as if you were a fly on the wall watching it happen. What would the fly see?

This is Mt. Spokane. It is above the cloud layer and the sun is setting on conifers sleepy from the snow that blankets them. Snow muffles sound. The gentle wind of the mountain also muffles the noise. When people say “the mountains are calling,” it is the silence, the stillness, and the gentle breath that I think of.

When I am emotionally regulating, this is where my mind goes. It is pretty nice there, isn’t it?

Think now about where your Mt. Spokane is?

The Lore

“Check the Facts” is a core emotion regulation skill in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). It was developed by Dr. Marsha Linehan in the late 1980s to help individuals determine if their emotional reactions and intensities match the actual, objective facts of a situation (Linehan, 2014). It helps shift from “emotion mind” to “wise mind” by challenging cognitive distortions, assumptions, and judgments. DBT was created in the 1980s for treating borderline personality disorder, and it focuses on balancing acceptance and change. The skill is rooted in cognitive-behavioral therapy, specifically cognitive restructuring, which challenges faulty, automatic thoughts with evidence. It requires detaching from immediate emotional reactions to observe the situation objectively. You should consider yourself a fly on the wall.

The Full Tool

Here are the full steps laid out:

1. Identify the Emotion: What emotion do I want to change? (Example: I’m mad at Deborah.)
2. Identify the Event: What actually happened? These should be the objective facts. (Example: Deborah told me my spreadsheet is wrong.)
3. Identify Interpretations: What assumptions or “catastrophizing” am I adding? (Example: When she says it’s wrong, I think she means it’s awful and she doesn’t like my color coding or pivot views.)
4. Check for Threats: Am I assuming a threat that doesn’t exist? (Example: Deborah is conspiring against me to force me into a new job because my pivot tables intimidate her.)
5. Evaluate Reality: Do my emotions and their intensity actually match the facts, or just my interpretations? The answer is usually no. I need to go see what Deborah sees and thank her for looking carefully at my documents and helping me get better.

The Template – Ctrl + C and Ctrl + V

1. Identify the Emotion: What emotion do I want to change?
2. Identify the Event: What actually happened? (The objective facts).
3. Identify Interpretations: What assumptions or “catastrophizing” am I adding?
4. Check for Threats: Am I assuming a threat that doesn’t exist?
5. Evaluate Reality: Do my emotions and their intensity actually match the facts, or just my interpretations?

Let me know what you think about this in the comments. I know I get tons of traffic on all my blogs and I am really doing my best to keep up with you all. I promise to respond to everyone individually. Thank you so much for your support.

The most important step is always the next one.

Dan

References

Linehan, Marsha M. DBT Skills Training Manual. Second edition. New York: The Guilford Press, 2014.